Venice Beach: It's Not Baywatch

Venice Beach (Photo Credit: Dejay Patson's Shitty Phone)

Art.

Friend on Balance Beam

There's something about street performers and cheap merchandise vendors that captivate both tourists and California natives alike at Venice Beach. There, you can buy some faux jewelry, knock off sunglasses, and a tye-dyed shirt with a neon picture of Marilyn Monroe rolling a blunt (sorry it's not pictured...). There are some other cool things about Venice beach, like the art! There's so much art around the beach! I don't mean just what the vendors are selling; I mean street art like murals and graffiti work (the good kind of graffiti). There are also some cool places to get your fitness on and get that six-pack going. It seems well kept and well-used. It was kinda cool seeing teenagers actively engaged in physical activity - younger kids too! I'm beyond that kind of peer pressure or guilt, but good for the little rug rats.

As much as there is to explore in Venice Beach, there are some places that are off limits. On Venice Beach, there are no signs to tell you that, which gives young lifeguards the opportunity to play out that Baywatch fantasy (mine? idk.). He didn't run in slow motion though - and for that, I'm very disappointed.

You can't go here...apparently.

We were told to come back off the rocks, which I remember from a Baywatch episode where some stupid tourist fell and got pinned against the rocks by the waves. It's a very dangerous place to be, and no one should ever go there - so we thought we'd check it out (because we're all BAMF and shit).

Not all rock surfaces are smooth, and I should've warn shoes, because I felt like I was walking over hot coals in some tribal ritual to earn my manhood. It hurt like hell. A young adolescent fighting a terrible case of acne (or nasal herpes) informed me (in a very condescending/scoffing/annoyingrichkid way) "That's why you wear shoooeeesss...they protect your feet." Had he ended with 'duh,' I would've thrown him in. I'm not sure how he got so far from his house without his ankle bracelet going off, but with parents that don't love him, I'm sure his path in the world will end back at these rocks anyway (I call that joke "Suicide is okay if you're a shitty person.")

All jokes aside,

Dejay Patson

Welcome to Los Angeles

I've been wanting to make a trip to Los Angeles my whole life - well, at least since I was a child. At 2 years old, I probably wasn't thinking, "I should travel to other cities to experience diverse domestic cultures within the USA."

I flew in on Virgin America. Which, if you haven't flown Virgin, you have to try it just for the sake of how modern and edgy they are. I did a whole lot of "ooooh" and "ahhhh," but in hindsight, it was all kinda gimmicky. The instructions came in a video via musical ensemble from classical and electronic to pop and hip hop. I recorded some of it, but I don't wanna get hit with some copyright BS to appease my 2 readers (Sorry, Dad...). 

As soon as the plane touched down, I felt home (yes, in that very cheesy way). Los Angeles has everything I would ever need to do. Every opportunity is there creatively, comedically, academically, etc. Looking at jobs in the area, there's everything. To put that in perspective, if you want a job in Grand Rapids, MI, there are about 4 main employers that will pop up, and then a bunch of BS "marketing" companies. I love Grand Rapids, but for what I'm trying to do, work is sparse. It also lacks diversity. Los Angeles has so much diversity. I had never seen a homeless Asian man until LA. I was beginning to think they were immune to bankruptcy (not really, but wouldn't that be nice?). The areas of the city were diverse in culture too. Santa Monica and Venice Beach are neighbors, but they have different vibes. Hollywood, East LA, Downtown - they all have different vibes. So a change of scenery and vibes is easy to find. I came up with a list of four things I now know about LA for certain that I didn't necessarily comprehend well before the trip. I present to you, the list:

1.) Los Angeles is massive. 
People told me that, but I never really understood it. I consider Chicago a big city. Chicago is about 234 square miles. Los Angeles is more than double the size of Chicago, at 503 square miles. If you're on one side of LA and someone says, "Hey, I'm in LA too! We should meet up." There's a chance that they could be an hour away, and traffic doesn't help. Which leads me to #2.

2.) Traffic is as bad as people say it is.
One friend explained it as, "If you need to go anywhere between 4pm and 8pm, forget about it." And the mornings were a similar 4 hour block. And lunch time is shit. Basically, it's all shit. Not to mention California is home to one of the oldest highways in the nation's history. Why does this matter? Many highway exits are made for cars that top out at 40Mph. There is not always a long strip of road where you can safely slowdown from 75 (more realistically 90) Mph. You can blink and mix your exit, essentially. So when people have to take those exits up ahead of you, it becomes a huge inconvenience to everyone behind them. LA's public transit system exists, but is nothing stellar. It's a bus line. (And the drivers don't like to be bothered with stupid questions either, like "Is that blood?")

3.) Pollution is worse than people say it is.
I never knew what smog was until I got to LA. I heard the word, but couldn't distinguish between heavy fog and smog. I've been to major cities and saw a bit of dirty haze, but what I witnessed in LA was could only be defined by that ugly four letter word: SMOG. The streets are as dirty as most other big cities, with the addition of shopping carts no where near the store they came from. Because the city is so stretched out, there is a lot of trash just along the streets that goes on for miles. In West LA, parking was a bit of a pain because you had to move for street sweepers. I don't know that street sweepers exist in other parts of LA. If so, the population is out of control and the sweepers can't keep up with the Jack In A Box wrappers.

4.) No one warns you about the homelessness.
No one prepares you, nor could they! Homelessness in most other parts of the country is defined by people that are without homes. Homelessness in LA is the reason people walk along the edge of the sidewalk in fear of being stabbed. Mental illness and addiction was prevalent. With the glaring looks of one chattering teeth hobo here and the scream at the sky but laugh maniacally at the ground hobo there, LA proved itself to be a mecca for anyone with a tent and horrible decisions for tattoo placement (Sorry forehead tattoo hobo. Nothing personal.).

Hey! Look! It's Chris Pratt! Everybody lose your minds!

There was also something kinda liberating about having no previous ties to the city. There's that feeling in the neighborhood you grow up in like, "There's that fire hydrant we used to play around as a kid" or "There's where that wooden bridge used to be, before we accidentally burned it down." (that's a true story, but now is not the time for tangents.) The point is, I didn't have those anchors and I felt completely free of all obligations. I could just do stuff. I was there for over a month and did everything from acting and comedy to attending underground social functions and exploring all over the city. I also stumbled upon a few movie shoots during my jogs, and the premiere for Jurassic World - I thought it sucked (The movie, I mean. Premiere was cool.).

I've been to 46 of the 50 states (as in been there for a couple days at least), and Los Angeles is the greatest city I've ever been to overall (Do I really need to say in my opinion for people to know that?). I'll share more about specific adventures in later posts for the sake of brevity. I can't believe you read this whole thing...thanks?

All jokes aside,

Dejay Patson

#BreakfastSelfie

5 Things Beginning Background Actors Should Know For A Film Role

I've only been in a handful of films ever - one was a never finished feature-length slasher, and two of the others were just general background roles. I'd really love to make a transition to more acting at some point. I'd never stop doing comedy though. I just think it'd be great to work in multiple mediums.

On Monday, I was a FEATURED (WHOA!!) BG, which is a step up from your average BG (Background) whom gets less camera time and generally no actors talk to you. I'm front and center though (...more back and to the left actually) and get to interact with some up-and-coming names. It was a great experience. It's also my first film credit as Dejay Patson, AND (even better) my first acting gig in Los Angeles! (Took me three weeks to pop that cherry. Time to #WhoreOut, but first...)

I figured I'd just share some things I've learned in my short experience, for anyone interested in getting into film. Some of this may seem common sense, but things get forgotten, and a lot of people learn by trial and error if they didn't go to film school. (no film school here, but I did take acting and directing classes.) So here are..

FIVE things beginning (background) actors should know for a film role:

1) Know your mark - where do you go on scene? Maybe it's marked with neon tape, maybe it's marked with a Styrofoam cup - budgets are cool. -- Just walking wherever you feel will get you the most camera time is a good way to get punched in your reproductive organs, or annoyed faces from cast and crew alike at the very least.

2) Know when to be at your mark - what line do you land on? Land there at that time, always (for continuity). The director won't always tell you when to land, but instead might rely on it to happen organically and later ask YOU when you land. If you don't know (like when I was first asked), people have to look back at previous shots and figure it out -- it's just faster and less of a headache for you to know when you land.

3) Pay attention to your mark - sometimes your mark gets moved, and if no one tells you, it could ruin the shot. Which, arguably is not your fault, but no one wants to be the reason a shot was ruined.

4) Play it the same way (aka Know your mark 2) - if you scratch your nose when the actor says, "And THIS guy's a piece of shit!" You need to do that EVERYTIME that line is said in that moment of the scene from EVERY angle that it's shot.

5) Don't be a shining star - The bigger picture is about the project, and you are a cog in the machine. Even starring actors understand that they need the cast and crew to make the whole project work. Everyone works hard to make films happen, and egos can be toxic on a film set. -- That said, maybe you're new and want to be seen or heard more than you are. You could take a chance and it could be your big break, but it probably won't be. Realistically, Spielberg isn't going to walk from behind a curtain starting a slow clap because you scratched your nose for continuity. Do what the director wants from you - it's their vision. You're a pawn. It's okay to be a pawn.

That's it! Well, there's more. There's a lot more. There's also a lot of etiquette stuff, which seems kinda strange, but it's there.

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

#FilmSetSelfie

The 8th Place and Winning Rant

I was recently recognized for this leadership thing - and well, there was a speaker their talking about leadership and what it takes to be a good leader. Looking down at my phone, I could see a text that read, "Who the f**k is this guy?" and I shared those sentiments. For at least fifteen minutes, this guy talked around what it took to be a leader, only to end on, "I'm not really sure what makes a leader." The silence of the crowd was deafening, particularly when he was then awarded for his leadership after the speech. I'm sure there are many other times in his life where he had shown leadership, otherwise he wouldn't have been asked to speak, but it wasn't exhibited on this day. Good guy. Bad speech. I think someone should've called an audible on that decision. This post is not about that guy, but that instance serves as a catalyst for this rant.

Why, the f**k, do we have 8th place winners in life? I don't think everyone deserves to walk away with a trophy. That little fat kid that couldn't make the final stretch in track and field SHOULD feel bad for losing. Failing is a part of success. People become better from failing. That might be the thing that pushes him to get healthy and become motivation for others. I'm not saying we roast the little piggy on twitter and give him a complex - I just think we need to feel some type of way about underperforming and want to be a better version of ourselves. But for the love of all things sugar coated, don't give that boy a damn trophy for last place!!

We cultivate laziness telling everyone they're doing a good job when they're just doing the minimum work and pretending it's maximum effort. Don't let Fatty McFats be complacent. Where's that going to lead him in the future? A news reel of him being airlifted out of his mom's attic at 35 maybe. 

Now I haven't done any research on this. I just know some very unproductive and stupid people that feel entitled to the world. And every day I think of punch them in the throat. We're not even around eachother like that. It just comes across my mind when I'm eating oatmeal like "If I could just press a button..." and let's stop there, because I don't want to spend the rest of this post defending that kind of capital punishment. But they're having kids, people! Can't we hve some kind of test to see if they're going to make decent fucking parents? So we don't have to read about another toddler being chucked over a bridge? The test wouldn't even have to be that difficult - just basic questions that they might ask in an interview - "Can you tell us of a time w
hen you had to overcome an obstacle, and how you dealt with that?" Just to give us some insight on how they'll deal with screaming little versions of theirselves. Because honestly, I can't deal with annoying big versions of themselves. Is a purge such a bad idea? Think about it.

moronic and unproductive members of society though. I don't mind my taxes going to people that need welfare for some hardships or special circumstance, but not for a some fat lazy kid to get an Xbox or your Netflix account. Let him work two summers, and bike there. Back and forth. Get him on a regimen. Buy him a hamster and make him take care of it, so he learns some compassion and the work that goes into maintaining...anything. And I hope it bites him. Because life, f**king, bites you. If he chucks the hamster back into the cage, maybe it's time for a trip to the bridge. We have enough sociopaths and psychos in this world without fat Hitler.

Ah, don't make that face. If you're kid is the fat kid, you better give him some more fruits and veggies to offset those early signs of diabetes. That whole 'Eat Pasta, Run Fasta' was just some bullshit propaganda to get you buying Spaghetti-O's.

I was a fat kid too. Yeahhh, I was chunky. I kinda blame my mom though. We didn't have a lot of money so whenever she bought me clothes, it was stuff she said I'd have to grow into. "This shirt's too big."..."You'll grow into it." Unconsciously, I guess I didn't want to let her down. I almost died once, because she used the same logic buying a life jacket. My head slipped right through and I swallowed a bunch of pool water. My cousin had to dive in after me. It wasn't a well thought out plan. No trophy for mom on that one.

Look, I'm guilty too, but I sure as hell don't expect a pat on the back for my laziness. When I slip up, I'm hard on myself. Hell, when I do a good job at something, I still critique myself. How can you put the best product out if you don't assess your efforts?

I've heard people say that if you work hard, you'll be successful. I full-heartedly agree with that. I come from a mostly blue collar family, so I've seen them work hard. I've seen it, a lot - just never learned it. At least not at the level I've seen some people perform - never really gained that work ethic. I have friends that have it. They wake up everyday at 6am and go to the gym, BEFORE WORK. You know what I do before work? Get dressed. You're lucky I have pants. I just don't have that same concept of time. Those people are very efficient with their time. It's amazing to watch. They have planners, and sticky notes, and routine. God aweful routine - it kills my soul.

I've dated girls and find myself in awe of their whole morning routine - it just amazes me. The time spent on makeup and getting ready, it's just astonishing. I would never wear makeup if I was a female. I'm not trying to find a baby daddy - who gives a shit? I'm just not that efficient. I recognize this. I'm trying to work on it - I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

The other thing is that there's always someone better too. No matter how hard you work, someone else can do a better job at whatever it is. Your job, your spouse, your favorite recreational activity can all be done better by someone in the world other than you. There are smarter people. There are people with nicer cars. There are more attractive people. You okay with that? I am. I get it. Doesn't bother me at all. I'm not complacent though, I just don't compete with others and I accept things for what they are.

You ever see someone with a car nicer than your own? Do you get jealous? Maybe it's the newer model of the same car you have and there weren't many changes, but still...just that fact that it's newer gets to you. There will always be a nicer car than yours. I don't care much about my material possessions, but I figured this concept was pretty common. Personally, I find it kinda liberating...because it doesn't matter what level you're at, your status, or what material possessions you have. The only thing that really matters is that you keep trying to do or be better.

I do compete with myself though. I try to learn something new every day. Also, to complement that, about 12 times a day, I tell myself some variation of "You're f**king stupid." That's my regimen. It's not out of nowhere - I mean it's for saying or doing something stupid. And 12 times is actually kinda conservative. I'm not saying it just because I chose the wrong socks, but I'd own up to it if I did. That's more an echo of my mother's words through my adolescence.

A lot of parents think their kid is the best. You ever talk to people about their kids? "You see that drawing? My kid is a genius!" He's 2, and I'm pretty sure that's smeared crap at your wall. Do we really know that early if he's a genius? Everyone says it. What are you comparing to? Other babies? Let's get ten of them in a room with one giant tub of Lego blocks, judge them on a point system. If Jimmy builds a rocket, that's a ten pointer, but he's spent the last 20 minutes making a wall of just the blue blocks. Really, what are we comparing their genius to? My dog sometimes wipes her ass on the carpet, but I don't run around "see the mural my dog did? practically an interior decorator!" If you're kid sucks, own up to it. You're not doing them any favors, and you're gonna perpetuate this culture of half-ass-ery further. I'm sick of people f**king up my fast food orders. I got one item, and you reccomended it - how do you eff that up? No trophy.

I hope somebody reads this and comments: "Who the f**k is this guy?" That to me would be better than any trophy in the world. ;)

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

Story-time with Uncle Phil: The Damnation of Atheism

Phil Robertson (Credit: AP/A&E/Zach Dilgard)

This is the shit that Antoine Dodson warned us about people!! Evil coming into our homes and snatching up our kids and wives!! Although, written in ancient text, I'm sure it would've sounded way more prophetic than the news clip gone viral. He's got a 'credible' name echoing some similar concerns though - albeit more of focus seems to be about a hypothetical world of Atheism as he envisions it. At the very least, it's just awkward story time with Uncle Phil. I've linked the audio clip below:


Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson on a Hypothetical World of Atheism

In summary, Phil Robertson talks about people doing evil things without the repercussions of God's wrath. He paints the world as a place full of people that would not possibly do good things without the idea of going to hell as a punishment. There are a few problems with this vote of logic, but I just want to throw out a disclaimer: I am NOT an Atheist. I do not watch Duck Dynasty.

I used to have this aunt that took me to church all the time as a kid. I'd sit with the other kids in this  blueish-green room that wreaked of old clothes and mothballs. Some white guy with a dry ass comb-over would eventually come in with his bible in hand and share stories from the ol' book. We just sat and listened, probably picked our nose. A greater testament (than the new testament) to that particular church were the people in it - they just weren't that good, or that nice. My aunt was fat, lazy, racist, and just overall mean. Yet, she would give up about 60% of her earnings to the church in tithe, just to make up for being such a shitty person. She hid behind the veil of religion to justify her shitty beliefs, but she wasn't alone. A lot of people do that, and find ways to push their beliefs on other through fear tactics. I believe we call that terrorism? Can we call Phil Robertson a terrorist yet?

Here's my thing: If a world without God breeds violence and apathy (as Robertson claims), why do so many people commit violent acts in the name of their Gods? Have you read the bible? There is some crazy stuff in there! There are also some valuable lessons. You know what else has valuable lessons? Past seasons of MTV's The Real World (...or more currently, 16 & Pregnant - bad idea girls.) Should we not follow those lessons because the medium is different? It's all up for interpretation, just like many parts of religious texts. Still, violence happens! And people commit violent acts in the name of their religion regularly, and for as long as there's been written history! I know what some people are thinking: "The violent people of a particular religion are the extremist/militant ones. They don't represent the bigger picture of the religion." I'd have to agreed with you. Then I think about extremists in other major religions, that just meditate forever - a lot less violent, but still EXTREME!!!

And, just to entertain the thought, (dare I say play 'Devil's advocate') all of the evil stuff Robertson mentions IS happening now, in this day and age, with religion. There are people that do evil things! Sometimes even in the church (behind closed doors with children). How do we know those things are evil without morality and compassion? They both come from religion, right? Actually, a study done at University of California, Berkeley found that 'less religious' people are more motivated by compassion than the highly religious.

Here's how Berkeley sums up the study in its press release:

"The results challenge a widespread assumption that acts of generosity and charity are largely driven by feelings of empathy and compassion, researchers said. In the study, the link between compassion and generosity was found to be stronger for those who identified as being non-religious or less religious.

"'Overall, we find that for less religious people, the strength of their emotional connection to another person is critical to whether they will help that person or not,' said UC Berkeley social psychologist Robb Willer, a co-author of the study. 'The more religious, on the other hand, may ground their generosity less in emotion, and more in other factors such as doctrine, a communal identity, or reputational concerns.'"

While Phil Robertson's example is extreme, let's imagine the other end of the spectrum: a world full of Phil Robertsons. Can you imagine all the Phil Robertsons? Gillete would go under! Old Spice would take a heavy blow! We'd all get cool party whistles though - and what party doesn't want ducks?

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

Was I Asking For It?

Not long ago, I was having a good time with a group of friends from out of town. The dance floor was crazy. That place was like shark infested waters. My friend and I were just hanging out, talking near the dance floor - you know, about the unrealistic expectations set for women by the yoga pants fad. Suddenly, two drunk white girls sprung out of nowhere and started twerking on us. They were cute too (well, mine was).

Twerking on me for most of the song, she started reaching back and grabbing man parts. It caught me off guard, because I never saw her hand - definitely felt it though.

After the fourth time, I was like "Hey wait a minute" - in my head though, because I didn't want to seem like a prude. She turned around to face me, grabbing my head in a vice-like grip. Like, if you fell off the roof of a building, but were able to grab a gargoyle on the way down, and hang with all your power and weigh - that's how she grabbed my face and head. There was so much power with her pulling forward and me pulling back that had I just stopped trying to resist, we would both have broken noses. 

She was persistent though. She tried to tippy-toe her way up, but I dodged left, then right (yes, back-to-back attempts). Then in this deep demonic voice, she says "Kiiiisssss meeee!!" I didn't though, and she looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes and went for a third attempt - dodged again (like The Matrix). 

When she asked if I had a girlfriend, I thought about lying for the sake of her self-esteem, but then I thought: I don't appreciate these undesired advances. When a woman says no, that means no. When a man says no, that means hell to the F no - mostly because it takes a whole lot for a man to say no.

When I saw a window to slide out, I did (another friend slid into my former place). So I may have looked backed a few times, reminiscing about what I had. I thought, maybe it was my fault - I did have these jeans on that cradle perfectly under my man parts, almost to say, "Would you like a cadbury egg?" But as I dipped into my funk, my guys reminded me that she wasn't shit. Then we danced in a circle. I know, you're coming to a my blog and wanting jokes (and you'll get your damn jokes you leeches! ;), but I kinda want to talk about this. It was weird, because if I were a female and that were a guy doing that...I mean, based on the wikipedia definition, that's sexual assault. 

Wikipedia definition:
"Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or any non-consensual sexual touching of a person. Sexual assault is a form of sexual violence, and it includes rape (such as forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault), groping, forced kissing, child sexual abuse, or the torture of the person in a sexual manner.^[1][2][3]"

Recently, President Obama spoke out during the 2015 Grammy's about sexual assault. I feel better knowing that the POTUS has my back. Thank you for all of your support!


All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

Porn- The Last Successful Civil Rights Movement?

Let's face it: society sucks when it comes to issues of treating each other well and fair. Women still earn less on average than men, Gays still can't get married, Brown people are apparently terrorist or illegal, and Black people are still having to argue how their lives matter.

Yup.. right on daylight television

We've been dealing with this for centuries now and for all the progress that's been made, one would be forgiven for being disillusioned by the snail's pace. I mean, no civil rights matter has been brought to fruition. Except Porn.

Porn? Full frontal nudity, interracial, BBW, two girls one... Ooh, I get carried away, but yes... That Porn. I know what you're saying: "But Crook, what on earth could this pleasurable decadence have to do with civil rights?" Well hear me out.

In 1978- a full 14 years after the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 which "outlawed discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin", Hustler magazine founder Larry Flynt was involved in a heated legal battle regarding obscenity in his magazine. The political right, federal government and many segments of the American society wanted that filth off the shelves- and wanted it off the shelves quicker than you can say 'Japanese Newscaster Gets Fis...' (Damn it crook, keep it together!) Flynt was citing the freedom of speech and all that other good stuff in his defense. One day, as he was leaving the court, a sniper's bullet caught Flynt and his lawyer, leaving him paralyzed. Even after that, his legal battles persisted for years.

Here was a man fighting for the right to life, liberty and nudy centerfolds upon the walls of teenagers across the world. He almost died for it.

In retrospect, his legal battles (and those of the others who fought alongside with him) were not to no avail. In gas stations and book stores around the world, one can purchase a copy of Hustler and the dozen other knock-offs thereof. You can rent porn at Family Video, and most of all, videos and images of love-making (deviant or otherwise) make up more than a third of the internet by some estimates. I just watched three videos during the writing of this piece.

Oh you dirty dog! You thought you were gonna watch some ish, didn't you?

Yikes. Just like that. From endless legal battles and almost getting killed, to porn becoming so mainstream that it even comes with the option to share it on social media sites. (I mean, who watches porn and thinks 'hey, you know who'd like this? My friend Godwin..maybe Erin from Accounting too. I should share it...')

That's what change looks like. So the next time folks claim that marginalized groups are tripping when they complain and revolt, and say things like society is post-racial, gay people should be content with what they've been given, and women have just as much privilege as men; just think of porn and how far it has made it in relatively much shorter time, and you'll understand the anger and paranoia.

Porn. We have seen what a movement looks like when it is successful. Now, if we can only get there with everything else.

Of Valentine's Day Blues, Charles Manson, and the Feel-Good Story of the Weekend.

I know what you're thinking.

Just kidding; I have no idea. But in case, just in case, you're thinking "We know Dejay; we sort of like Dejay (I mean, he is a bit much to take in at first, but his brand of funnies grows on ya); who the heck is this other guy?"

I am Crook. Wena Crook. That's all I'll say about me at this stage; judge me not by anything other than the foolery that I plan to spew upon this here Dejay Patson-provided platform.

So, let's make like we are finding the shortest way to your local branch of one of America's big four banks and...drumroll please... cut to the chase... (see what I did...oh maan, tough crowd today.)

But yea..the chase.

So, we're just coming out of Valentine's Weekend. I can approximate that there are three or four overarching sentiments that folks are carrying after the past 48-72 Hallmark and arrow-wielding baby-inspired hours:

1) 'Tis so glamorous to feel so amorous! Yay us!

2) Yo, the weekend was rough on a boy's wallet. And after all that, she hit me with the "You're nice guy. I hope to one day meet a guy like you..." 

3) Thank heavens that's done with! I couldn't take another day of seeing these coupled folks flaunting their quote unquote love all over social media. Hey Salvador, quit it with the Edible Arrangements: he/she is cheating on you, and everybody knows! 

4) 'Alas, yet another February 14th, and I'm still on my lonesome. What's wrong with me? I shower twice a day, watch Scandal and Walking Dead now and then to keep up on conversations, and walk a safe middle ground in my political posts on social media (Every #BlackLivesMatter strategically followed with a 'Love me a man in uniform' post within the hour- you don't wanna piss anyone off too much.) Seems like everyone who hollas just wants me for my body! Like I'm a piece of meat. Hell, even serial killer Charles Manson is engaged to a decent looking woman; and his heinous self has been on death row for decades. Is this what it has come to? Is Charles Manson winning at life more than I am?"

Congrats to #1 and better luck to #2. #3, yes we are annoyed by it too, and yep, she is totes cheating on Salvador (Sal? Sally? hmmm), but get over yourself; none of your beeswax. 

It's #4 I'm here to talk to though. Yes you. Pucker up soldier; all hope is not lost.

Charles Manson is NOT DOING better than you. Turns out, he just broke up with his fiancee- just before Valentine's no less! The reason? He found out the only reason she wanted to marry him was so she could gain control of his remains after he died; display them in a glass crypt, and hopefully make a killi...well, make a lot of money from people coming to see ol' Charlie ol pal in eternal slumber.

So there it is. The love that made you feel like you were losing is no more. Manson is not doing better than you. Hooray! Like, She literally wanted him for his body; and not in the nice way that people want you for yours.

Keep your head up. You're still in with a chance. I know of at least one man and woman who are single after this weekend; go get em.

#WenaCrookisRootingforYou

February 12th - My 5 Year Comedy Anniversary (kinda)

There I was just checking out some throwback posts using this mobile app and it hit me; 5 years ago today, I performed my first stand-up comedy routine at Grand Valley State University - in their campus version of Last Comic Standing. Well, damn. That was an interesting time and experience, so I thought I'd tell you about it (whether you care or not won't stop me from writing it ;). Since then, I haven't done comedy consistently. Like I mentioned in the very first blog post, I hit the stage here and there under various names (including my real one), traveled the nation with a college gameshow, and only kicked off the DeJay Patson brand in January 2014. So truthfully, DeJay Patson is technically only a year old (extra complicated, right?), but it has been 5 years since that first performance, which made me realize this could even be a thing. That first one was the gateway drug.

Well, as mentioned in my first post, comedy was always something I wanted to do. I saw an opportunity to step up to the plate and took it. You actually had to audition for this competition though, because unlike other competitions, they have no idea whether you do comedy or you're just going to get up and say some crazy shit (...or read religious text for 10 minutes straight - I've seen that at an open mic).

I was pacing outside the door to the audition room, waiting for my turn. A friend of mine walked by and saw me waiting. I hadn't told any of my friends I was going to try out, and I had no intentions to invite any friends if I advanced (the performance would be considered 'semi-finals'). It was just something personal I was doing, a challenge to myself.

My friend decided he was going to give it a shot too. He's a fairly witty guy, so why not? I went in first, did my bit. I got a few decent laughs, but I had no idea what to expect. At the end, there was a comment made by one of the judges about them trying not to laugh as much, so they don't show bias. Which I thought was weird. They told me they'd be in contact.

My friend went in next, and I waited for him. He hit them with witty one liner after one liner. The laughter was back to back, and my set didn't even compare.

I got an email a couple days later saying I didn't advance, but he got an email saying he did. The most messed up part was that my friend couldn't even make the event because of other obligations, so he emailed them, saying he had to decline. Now, it gets worse, because I got a second email saying that someone dropped out and they'd like me to perform in the event. Ain't that some shit?

Anyway, I didn't do too bad. I had no idea how to hold a microphone. I remember feeling so awkward on stage, but once I got into my groove, it was like smooth sailing. I wrote jokes on my palm because I thought an index card might be distracting - totally a better idea to stare at my sweaty and unintelligible palm, right? I got some good pops. I went over my time, and only realized because of a blonde to my far left, violently shaking a sign that read "Time's up!" I didn't even finish my joke. I wish I could tell you what it was about, but I don't even remember. 

I did not advance. It was good to be a part of the event though, and give comedy a shot. I performed at my first real comedy club that following month at Dr. Grins in Grand Rapids, MI. I think I've gotten a lot better, but I'll let you all decide that. 

I will be sticking with DeJay Patson as my stage name though. Recently, I purchased the www.dejaypatson.com domain, because I don't know when someone else will try to come along using the same name (if ever). It just redirects visitors to the blog for now, but in the future, it'll be a full-fledged site - no telling when though. It could be this summer, or it could be 2 years from now. I do most things on a rolling deadline. Now I can put a website on the business cards and build more promo - and that's what it's all about really. Like I've said before, I'm not scaling back for the sake of egos. There are comedians out there that are way better than me, and have been doing it consistently for years. I'm just doing what's best for me, so I'm out here on all platforms. I won't be selling any merchandise, but I will be building my name more; working open mics, competitions, and larger events. 

Next month, I'll be hosting GVSU's LipSync events with about 2,000 students in attendance. It's sure to be a good time - had a great time doing it in the Fall. Thanks for all your support, and knowing how to read.

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

Funniest Person In Grand Rapids Comedy Competition 2015

I was so excited for this performance. And by excited, I mean losing my f**king mind. The scariest thing I've ever done, is everything the first time. Granted, I'm not new to comedy, but I'm new to competitions. Also, it was a sold out crowd, and many of my friends couldn't come in because they were packed by the time the show started. (yeah, they showed up late, or right at the start of the show, but I won't fault them for that. I appreciate the effort! haha.)

I went to the venue with a brand new set and no intention to win; I just wanted to be up there with the cool kids - see if I could hang. Then I went through several days of not wanting to be up there (but they had my $40 deposit, sooo...). I pretty much wrote my set the week of the competition - which was on Wednesday, so do the math.

Prior to the show, several experienced performers (friends and associates) told me using the brand new stuff was a bad idea, because it wasn't refined. I completely understood. That's why I was stressing so much. I didn't wanna do the older stuff, but I had actually scrambled in a back room to remember my older routines from the summer. I even went over some performance videos, but there wasn't a lot of time. The new set wasn't refined at all, and you could tell. Some things I said weren't jokes at all, yet. I still said them though, just to see if I'd come up with anything on the fly.

It was all around bad on my end, but I came out swinging nonetheless. And rocked it. -- Well, I was told that I rocked it. I mean, 7-8/10 is pretty good, right? Imagine what the set will do once I refine it! I didn't win though. Sorry if I got your hopes up. There were some really funny comedians there. The best part was getting this highlight video out of it. I honestly just wanted a 3 minute highlight video of the whole thing...because 3 minutes is about all people will watch on YouTube really.

I make a reference to the comedian that was up before me in the beginning. People didn't really start laughing until I made that reference, and then I just rode that wave for the rest of the set. Also, there's a part where I say 'Dick-capitation' which is a reference to an earlier comedian's set - it just so happened to work with my set. Double also, I made other references to earlier material; if the audience is laughing and you feel like you don't get it, it's probably a reference. 

So it's not often you get to hear about doctors, high school sex ed, dating woes, and my opinions on the use of marijuana - yet there it is. In one poorly crafted set. Got good pops though. :D

Let me know what you guys think. Thanks for the support!!

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

He Was A Tired Old Social Media Whore, But You Won't Believe What He Said In His Blog!

I get annoyed with social media. Really. Yes, I do. I realize that sounds odd because I'm somewhat of a social media whore...but I do get tired - as most whores do (I know the feels, Jasmine).

Here's a thing: Ever see someone post about a tragic event and caption it with, "Uh oh! This was right by my house!" Like the tornado was on it's way, barreling through town, and thought, "Heyyy, Karen lives right there." Someone else comments, "Wow, glad your[sic] safe!" or "So happy you're okay, Karen." Where's my message? I'm safe. I was no where near that thing; I should get a message, and a trophy, for not living in a dry ass plain that tornados are known to frequent. Don't play your violin here, Karen.

Now if it's a fire or something, that's kinda different. But I say kinda, because it's also kinda not. Little kid playing with matches and the curtains go up in flames -- family gets out safe, but the whole house burns to the ground. The post: "Oh no! This is on my street!" Really? Your street? Did you think the fire would get half way done with one house and say, "F**k the Harrisons, I'm taking this one too!" You were never in any immediate danger.

And I've done it. I'm guilty, but I'm gonna switch up my style now. Next time I see an ambulance rolling my elderly neighbor out, I'm gonna snap a selfie with the lights in back. Post: "YOLO" - Which is true. You do only live once. (Don't forget it, Grandma.)

I love the advertisements though. The ones I really love, have some random photo and come with a caption like, "She thought he wasn't coming home for Christmas, but what happened next will bring a tear to your eye." Or, "He spent his whole life thinking his father was dead, but what happened next will shock you!" No, it won't do any of those things. I just read what I needed from your article. Clearly he came home for Christmas. And if he didn't, well, the story in my head will suffice -- and it's in 2D animation.

Image B

People online kinda annoy me too. Most of the people on my friends list are people that I know or people I'm associated with, but I do have a handful of people that aren't really friends at all - they just kinda linger, occasionally liking a status or post...so I guess they serve a purpose. I never got into sending out random friend requests either (which I hear is a thing). There are some people that date simply from meeting on Facebook. I don't even know how that world works - guys just send messages to women and then they end up dating. What the hell do you tell your accidental kids? "Daddy, how did you meet mommy?" "Well honey, I was scrolling through the #Rachet feed, when I came across a twerk video from mommy's Vine. The rest is browsing history." Then again, I can pull up the broom closet on my GPS in which I was conceived. [See image B]

The ones that really crack me up on social media are the guys that always post pictures with random women. You have guys that have a lot of female friends, sure (way to make you're self the exception DeJay), but then you have the guys that almost need to be seen with women - so that we have proof that women talk to him. They post the picture out on social media, which is the equivalent of yelling out in a crowded auditorium, "Hey guys! Look! A girl is standing next to me!" As long as you're the one buying the drinks, what difference does it make? I've got advertising to pay for. I've seen this guy in the club though, with his new phone and latest accessories, often hyping them up as objects "women want." He'll snap some photos with random girls he finds attractive and probably send them to his friends like, "Yeah, I nailed that one on the left." -- No you didn't. Why is your life such a lie? Is this a thing all you're friends do? It's a whole world of people desperate for attention.

We can only hope Karen invites them over and amidst the staged smiles and boxed wine, the whole place burns to the ground. Long live the Harrisons.

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson