He Was A Tired Old Social Media Whore, But You Won't Believe What He Said In His Blog!

I get annoyed with social media. Really. Yes, I do. I realize that sounds odd because I'm somewhat of a social media whore...but I do get tired - as most whores do (I know the feels, Jasmine).

Here's a thing: Ever see someone post about a tragic event and caption it with, "Uh oh! This was right by my house!" Like the tornado was on it's way, barreling through town, and thought, "Heyyy, Karen lives right there." Someone else comments, "Wow, glad your[sic] safe!" or "So happy you're okay, Karen." Where's my message? I'm safe. I was no where near that thing; I should get a message, and a trophy, for not living in a dry ass plain that tornados are known to frequent. Don't play your violin here, Karen.

Now if it's a fire or something, that's kinda different. But I say kinda, because it's also kinda not. Little kid playing with matches and the curtains go up in flames -- family gets out safe, but the whole house burns to the ground. The post: "Oh no! This is on my street!" Really? Your street? Did you think the fire would get half way done with one house and say, "F**k the Harrisons, I'm taking this one too!" You were never in any immediate danger.

And I've done it. I'm guilty, but I'm gonna switch up my style now. Next time I see an ambulance rolling my elderly neighbor out, I'm gonna snap a selfie with the lights in back. Post: "YOLO" - Which is true. You do only live once. (Don't forget it, Grandma.)

I love the advertisements though. The ones I really love, have some random photo and come with a caption like, "She thought he wasn't coming home for Christmas, but what happened next will bring a tear to your eye." Or, "He spent his whole life thinking his father was dead, but what happened next will shock you!" No, it won't do any of those things. I just read what I needed from your article. Clearly he came home for Christmas. And if he didn't, well, the story in my head will suffice -- and it's in 2D animation.

Image B

People online kinda annoy me too. Most of the people on my friends list are people that I know or people I'm associated with, but I do have a handful of people that aren't really friends at all - they just kinda linger, occasionally liking a status or post...so I guess they serve a purpose. I never got into sending out random friend requests either (which I hear is a thing). There are some people that date simply from meeting on Facebook. I don't even know how that world works - guys just send messages to women and then they end up dating. What the hell do you tell your accidental kids? "Daddy, how did you meet mommy?" "Well honey, I was scrolling through the #Rachet feed, when I came across a twerk video from mommy's Vine. The rest is browsing history." Then again, I can pull up the broom closet on my GPS in which I was conceived. [See image B]

The ones that really crack me up on social media are the guys that always post pictures with random women. You have guys that have a lot of female friends, sure (way to make you're self the exception DeJay), but then you have the guys that almost need to be seen with women - so that we have proof that women talk to him. They post the picture out on social media, which is the equivalent of yelling out in a crowded auditorium, "Hey guys! Look! A girl is standing next to me!" As long as you're the one buying the drinks, what difference does it make? I've got advertising to pay for. I've seen this guy in the club though, with his new phone and latest accessories, often hyping them up as objects "women want." He'll snap some photos with random girls he finds attractive and probably send them to his friends like, "Yeah, I nailed that one on the left." -- No you didn't. Why is your life such a lie? Is this a thing all you're friends do? It's a whole world of people desperate for attention.

We can only hope Karen invites them over and amidst the staged smiles and boxed wine, the whole place burns to the ground. Long live the Harrisons.

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson