The 8th Place and Winning Rant

I was recently recognized for this leadership thing - and well, there was a speaker their talking about leadership and what it takes to be a good leader. Looking down at my phone, I could see a text that read, "Who the f**k is this guy?" and I shared those sentiments. For at least fifteen minutes, this guy talked around what it took to be a leader, only to end on, "I'm not really sure what makes a leader." The silence of the crowd was deafening, particularly when he was then awarded for his leadership after the speech. I'm sure there are many other times in his life where he had shown leadership, otherwise he wouldn't have been asked to speak, but it wasn't exhibited on this day. Good guy. Bad speech. I think someone should've called an audible on that decision. This post is not about that guy, but that instance serves as a catalyst for this rant.

Why, the f**k, do we have 8th place winners in life? I don't think everyone deserves to walk away with a trophy. That little fat kid that couldn't make the final stretch in track and field SHOULD feel bad for losing. Failing is a part of success. People become better from failing. That might be the thing that pushes him to get healthy and become motivation for others. I'm not saying we roast the little piggy on twitter and give him a complex - I just think we need to feel some type of way about underperforming and want to be a better version of ourselves. But for the love of all things sugar coated, don't give that boy a damn trophy for last place!!

We cultivate laziness telling everyone they're doing a good job when they're just doing the minimum work and pretending it's maximum effort. Don't let Fatty McFats be complacent. Where's that going to lead him in the future? A news reel of him being airlifted out of his mom's attic at 35 maybe. 

Now I haven't done any research on this. I just know some very unproductive and stupid people that feel entitled to the world. And every day I think of punch them in the throat. We're not even around eachother like that. It just comes across my mind when I'm eating oatmeal like "If I could just press a button..." and let's stop there, because I don't want to spend the rest of this post defending that kind of capital punishment. But they're having kids, people! Can't we hve some kind of test to see if they're going to make decent fucking parents? So we don't have to read about another toddler being chucked over a bridge? The test wouldn't even have to be that difficult - just basic questions that they might ask in an interview - "Can you tell us of a time w
hen you had to overcome an obstacle, and how you dealt with that?" Just to give us some insight on how they'll deal with screaming little versions of theirselves. Because honestly, I can't deal with annoying big versions of themselves. Is a purge such a bad idea? Think about it.

moronic and unproductive members of society though. I don't mind my taxes going to people that need welfare for some hardships or special circumstance, but not for a some fat lazy kid to get an Xbox or your Netflix account. Let him work two summers, and bike there. Back and forth. Get him on a regimen. Buy him a hamster and make him take care of it, so he learns some compassion and the work that goes into maintaining...anything. And I hope it bites him. Because life, f**king, bites you. If he chucks the hamster back into the cage, maybe it's time for a trip to the bridge. We have enough sociopaths and psychos in this world without fat Hitler.

Ah, don't make that face. If you're kid is the fat kid, you better give him some more fruits and veggies to offset those early signs of diabetes. That whole 'Eat Pasta, Run Fasta' was just some bullshit propaganda to get you buying Spaghetti-O's.

I was a fat kid too. Yeahhh, I was chunky. I kinda blame my mom though. We didn't have a lot of money so whenever she bought me clothes, it was stuff she said I'd have to grow into. "This shirt's too big."..."You'll grow into it." Unconsciously, I guess I didn't want to let her down. I almost died once, because she used the same logic buying a life jacket. My head slipped right through and I swallowed a bunch of pool water. My cousin had to dive in after me. It wasn't a well thought out plan. No trophy for mom on that one.

Look, I'm guilty too, but I sure as hell don't expect a pat on the back for my laziness. When I slip up, I'm hard on myself. Hell, when I do a good job at something, I still critique myself. How can you put the best product out if you don't assess your efforts?

I've heard people say that if you work hard, you'll be successful. I full-heartedly agree with that. I come from a mostly blue collar family, so I've seen them work hard. I've seen it, a lot - just never learned it. At least not at the level I've seen some people perform - never really gained that work ethic. I have friends that have it. They wake up everyday at 6am and go to the gym, BEFORE WORK. You know what I do before work? Get dressed. You're lucky I have pants. I just don't have that same concept of time. Those people are very efficient with their time. It's amazing to watch. They have planners, and sticky notes, and routine. God aweful routine - it kills my soul.

I've dated girls and find myself in awe of their whole morning routine - it just amazes me. The time spent on makeup and getting ready, it's just astonishing. I would never wear makeup if I was a female. I'm not trying to find a baby daddy - who gives a shit? I'm just not that efficient. I recognize this. I'm trying to work on it - I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

The other thing is that there's always someone better too. No matter how hard you work, someone else can do a better job at whatever it is. Your job, your spouse, your favorite recreational activity can all be done better by someone in the world other than you. There are smarter people. There are people with nicer cars. There are more attractive people. You okay with that? I am. I get it. Doesn't bother me at all. I'm not complacent though, I just don't compete with others and I accept things for what they are.

You ever see someone with a car nicer than your own? Do you get jealous? Maybe it's the newer model of the same car you have and there weren't many changes, but still...just that fact that it's newer gets to you. There will always be a nicer car than yours. I don't care much about my material possessions, but I figured this concept was pretty common. Personally, I find it kinda liberating...because it doesn't matter what level you're at, your status, or what material possessions you have. The only thing that really matters is that you keep trying to do or be better.

I do compete with myself though. I try to learn something new every day. Also, to complement that, about 12 times a day, I tell myself some variation of "You're f**king stupid." That's my regimen. It's not out of nowhere - I mean it's for saying or doing something stupid. And 12 times is actually kinda conservative. I'm not saying it just because I chose the wrong socks, but I'd own up to it if I did. That's more an echo of my mother's words through my adolescence.

A lot of parents think their kid is the best. You ever talk to people about their kids? "You see that drawing? My kid is a genius!" He's 2, and I'm pretty sure that's smeared crap at your wall. Do we really know that early if he's a genius? Everyone says it. What are you comparing to? Other babies? Let's get ten of them in a room with one giant tub of Lego blocks, judge them on a point system. If Jimmy builds a rocket, that's a ten pointer, but he's spent the last 20 minutes making a wall of just the blue blocks. Really, what are we comparing their genius to? My dog sometimes wipes her ass on the carpet, but I don't run around "see the mural my dog did? practically an interior decorator!" If you're kid sucks, own up to it. You're not doing them any favors, and you're gonna perpetuate this culture of half-ass-ery further. I'm sick of people f**king up my fast food orders. I got one item, and you reccomended it - how do you eff that up? No trophy.

I hope somebody reads this and comments: "Who the f**k is this guy?" That to me would be better than any trophy in the world. ;)

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

Story-time with Uncle Phil: The Damnation of Atheism

Phil Robertson (Credit: AP/A&E/Zach Dilgard)

This is the shit that Antoine Dodson warned us about people!! Evil coming into our homes and snatching up our kids and wives!! Although, written in ancient text, I'm sure it would've sounded way more prophetic than the news clip gone viral. He's got a 'credible' name echoing some similar concerns though - albeit more of focus seems to be about a hypothetical world of Atheism as he envisions it. At the very least, it's just awkward story time with Uncle Phil. I've linked the audio clip below:


Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson on a Hypothetical World of Atheism

In summary, Phil Robertson talks about people doing evil things without the repercussions of God's wrath. He paints the world as a place full of people that would not possibly do good things without the idea of going to hell as a punishment. There are a few problems with this vote of logic, but I just want to throw out a disclaimer: I am NOT an Atheist. I do not watch Duck Dynasty.

I used to have this aunt that took me to church all the time as a kid. I'd sit with the other kids in this  blueish-green room that wreaked of old clothes and mothballs. Some white guy with a dry ass comb-over would eventually come in with his bible in hand and share stories from the ol' book. We just sat and listened, probably picked our nose. A greater testament (than the new testament) to that particular church were the people in it - they just weren't that good, or that nice. My aunt was fat, lazy, racist, and just overall mean. Yet, she would give up about 60% of her earnings to the church in tithe, just to make up for being such a shitty person. She hid behind the veil of religion to justify her shitty beliefs, but she wasn't alone. A lot of people do that, and find ways to push their beliefs on other through fear tactics. I believe we call that terrorism? Can we call Phil Robertson a terrorist yet?

Here's my thing: If a world without God breeds violence and apathy (as Robertson claims), why do so many people commit violent acts in the name of their Gods? Have you read the bible? There is some crazy stuff in there! There are also some valuable lessons. You know what else has valuable lessons? Past seasons of MTV's The Real World (...or more currently, 16 & Pregnant - bad idea girls.) Should we not follow those lessons because the medium is different? It's all up for interpretation, just like many parts of religious texts. Still, violence happens! And people commit violent acts in the name of their religion regularly, and for as long as there's been written history! I know what some people are thinking: "The violent people of a particular religion are the extremist/militant ones. They don't represent the bigger picture of the religion." I'd have to agreed with you. Then I think about extremists in other major religions, that just meditate forever - a lot less violent, but still EXTREME!!!

And, just to entertain the thought, (dare I say play 'Devil's advocate') all of the evil stuff Robertson mentions IS happening now, in this day and age, with religion. There are people that do evil things! Sometimes even in the church (behind closed doors with children). How do we know those things are evil without morality and compassion? They both come from religion, right? Actually, a study done at University of California, Berkeley found that 'less religious' people are more motivated by compassion than the highly religious.

Here's how Berkeley sums up the study in its press release:

"The results challenge a widespread assumption that acts of generosity and charity are largely driven by feelings of empathy and compassion, researchers said. In the study, the link between compassion and generosity was found to be stronger for those who identified as being non-religious or less religious.

"'Overall, we find that for less religious people, the strength of their emotional connection to another person is critical to whether they will help that person or not,' said UC Berkeley social psychologist Robb Willer, a co-author of the study. 'The more religious, on the other hand, may ground their generosity less in emotion, and more in other factors such as doctrine, a communal identity, or reputational concerns.'"

While Phil Robertson's example is extreme, let's imagine the other end of the spectrum: a world full of Phil Robertsons. Can you imagine all the Phil Robertsons? Gillete would go under! Old Spice would take a heavy blow! We'd all get cool party whistles though - and what party doesn't want ducks?

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

Was I Asking For It?

Not long ago, I was having a good time with a group of friends from out of town. The dance floor was crazy. That place was like shark infested waters. My friend and I were just hanging out, talking near the dance floor - you know, about the unrealistic expectations set for women by the yoga pants fad. Suddenly, two drunk white girls sprung out of nowhere and started twerking on us. They were cute too (well, mine was).

Twerking on me for most of the song, she started reaching back and grabbing man parts. It caught me off guard, because I never saw her hand - definitely felt it though.

After the fourth time, I was like "Hey wait a minute" - in my head though, because I didn't want to seem like a prude. She turned around to face me, grabbing my head in a vice-like grip. Like, if you fell off the roof of a building, but were able to grab a gargoyle on the way down, and hang with all your power and weigh - that's how she grabbed my face and head. There was so much power with her pulling forward and me pulling back that had I just stopped trying to resist, we would both have broken noses. 

She was persistent though. She tried to tippy-toe her way up, but I dodged left, then right (yes, back-to-back attempts). Then in this deep demonic voice, she says "Kiiiisssss meeee!!" I didn't though, and she looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes and went for a third attempt - dodged again (like The Matrix). 

When she asked if I had a girlfriend, I thought about lying for the sake of her self-esteem, but then I thought: I don't appreciate these undesired advances. When a woman says no, that means no. When a man says no, that means hell to the F no - mostly because it takes a whole lot for a man to say no.

When I saw a window to slide out, I did (another friend slid into my former place). So I may have looked backed a few times, reminiscing about what I had. I thought, maybe it was my fault - I did have these jeans on that cradle perfectly under my man parts, almost to say, "Would you like a cadbury egg?" But as I dipped into my funk, my guys reminded me that she wasn't shit. Then we danced in a circle. I know, you're coming to a my blog and wanting jokes (and you'll get your damn jokes you leeches! ;), but I kinda want to talk about this. It was weird, because if I were a female and that were a guy doing that...I mean, based on the wikipedia definition, that's sexual assault. 

Wikipedia definition:
"Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or any non-consensual sexual touching of a person. Sexual assault is a form of sexual violence, and it includes rape (such as forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault), groping, forced kissing, child sexual abuse, or the torture of the person in a sexual manner.^[1][2][3]"

Recently, President Obama spoke out during the 2015 Grammy's about sexual assault. I feel better knowing that the POTUS has my back. Thank you for all of your support!


All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

Porn- The Last Successful Civil Rights Movement?

Let's face it: society sucks when it comes to issues of treating each other well and fair. Women still earn less on average than men, Gays still can't get married, Brown people are apparently terrorist or illegal, and Black people are still having to argue how their lives matter.

Yup.. right on daylight television

We've been dealing with this for centuries now and for all the progress that's been made, one would be forgiven for being disillusioned by the snail's pace. I mean, no civil rights matter has been brought to fruition. Except Porn.

Porn? Full frontal nudity, interracial, BBW, two girls one... Ooh, I get carried away, but yes... That Porn. I know what you're saying: "But Crook, what on earth could this pleasurable decadence have to do with civil rights?" Well hear me out.

In 1978- a full 14 years after the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 which "outlawed discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin", Hustler magazine founder Larry Flynt was involved in a heated legal battle regarding obscenity in his magazine. The political right, federal government and many segments of the American society wanted that filth off the shelves- and wanted it off the shelves quicker than you can say 'Japanese Newscaster Gets Fis...' (Damn it crook, keep it together!) Flynt was citing the freedom of speech and all that other good stuff in his defense. One day, as he was leaving the court, a sniper's bullet caught Flynt and his lawyer, leaving him paralyzed. Even after that, his legal battles persisted for years.

Here was a man fighting for the right to life, liberty and nudy centerfolds upon the walls of teenagers across the world. He almost died for it.

In retrospect, his legal battles (and those of the others who fought alongside with him) were not to no avail. In gas stations and book stores around the world, one can purchase a copy of Hustler and the dozen other knock-offs thereof. You can rent porn at Family Video, and most of all, videos and images of love-making (deviant or otherwise) make up more than a third of the internet by some estimates. I just watched three videos during the writing of this piece.

Oh you dirty dog! You thought you were gonna watch some ish, didn't you?

Yikes. Just like that. From endless legal battles and almost getting killed, to porn becoming so mainstream that it even comes with the option to share it on social media sites. (I mean, who watches porn and thinks 'hey, you know who'd like this? My friend Godwin..maybe Erin from Accounting too. I should share it...')

That's what change looks like. So the next time folks claim that marginalized groups are tripping when they complain and revolt, and say things like society is post-racial, gay people should be content with what they've been given, and women have just as much privilege as men; just think of porn and how far it has made it in relatively much shorter time, and you'll understand the anger and paranoia.

Porn. We have seen what a movement looks like when it is successful. Now, if we can only get there with everything else.