How I Evaded The Police and Graduated High School

There's an old friend of mine in the hospital right now on life support after being sideswiped, riding his motorcycle without a helmet. They have a tube in his skull to keep the pressure down from his brain swelling, his breathing is assisted by a machine, and he isn't allowed visitors at this time. This is one hell of a fight going on right now. That said, Tom Griffes is one of the toughest guys I know. He's also one of the most loyal friends I've ever had. Tom ranks high on the top ten list of friends I've ever had in my lifetime. Some of my most memorable times have been with my friend and brother Tom Griffes. I've decided to share some stories with you.

"Anything happens, if you have any kind of incident at all, or your name is involved, you will not walk across that stage [referring to graduation]."   

- High School Principal

Tom's a great Mekhi Phifer.

When we were in High School, a group of us were in a police chase. I was the driver, Tom was riding passenger, and we had three other friends in the back. (As an urban youth, it was less Superbad and more Eminem and crew in 8 Mile. Pass whatever judgements you want; I had/still have bars.)

Initially, we were running away from the VP of a high school whose property we were trespassing on over lunch; the VP was chasing us in his jeep - running stop signs I might add (tsk tsk). I had already been suspended once for trespassing at my old high school (after an ALMOST fight), and more recently had an 'altercation' with one of our own school's security guards; after the latter incident, our H.S. Principal pulled me aside one day to tell me, "Anything happens, if you have any kind of incident at all, or your name is involved, you will not walk across that stage [referring to graduation]" (I'm paraphrasing of course; it's been a while, but that's pretty accurate). So initially, I hit the gas pedal because I really wanted to graduate High School - a rare achievement in my eyes, and you gotta admire the drive (pun-less). After a quick pass (around a van) on a two lane road downhill, we lost the VP of this other school, but in a quick glance down a side street, I saw one or two police cruisers; they were parked at a house. I was just hoping they didn't see US. I figured I only had a few options, one was park behind a small gas station for a moment and wait for them to pass, IF they saw us. They might have found us. Another was to pull the reigns on my speed and hope for just another speeding ticket, but then I thought the VP might pull up and get our names - which meant no graduation for me. Similar for the first option. So somehow in my head, the only 'logical' option was to keep going, speed up, and don't stop.

Slowly, we started gaining a tail of police cruisers. At first it was one, without lights or sirens - then two. Three began with the lights, and by the end of our pursuit, we had four cruisers behind us with the full light and siren combo. 

By the time I stopped, there were five - they boxed us in and approached the car. Tom never said a word, or panicked, or questioned what the plan was. He was my right hand guy, and by all means had every right and authority to say, "I don't want to go to jail - pullover." However, as urban youth, the jail system (which was right down the street from our alternative high school) didn't scare us. Dat trust tho.

Random photo. Tom on far left. I'm in the back.

Two officers approached the vehicle. I was told the officer to our right had his weapon drawn, while the one on the left approached cautiously. The other officer kept the perimeter. In case you're wondering, yes, he did ask if I knew why he pulled me over. We both knew it was speeding of course. Realizing this was less a life threatening drive-by vehicle and more of the 'Eminem with degenerate friends, possibly driving by with a paintball gun' vehicle, the officers became more lax - rightfully so. We were just...well...I was just dumb. To prove how dumb I was, when the officer asked why I was speeding, my witty response was, "We were racing." See, in my head, it was meant to explain that we were racing to get away from this principal, but to no one in proximity (including myself) did it mean that. So when the cop asked, "Well who do you think won?" Of course I switched gears and just ran with it. "Them. You stopped us." (Smart ass does not mean smart). The officer began lecturing us, which was actually quite good (if he's reading this).

While he checked up on my driver's license and registration + plus the licenses of my friends. I began thinking about whether I would graduate. I thought about how I would spend the next 5-10 years. I contemplated my childhood, when I was reminded (albeit due to my actions) that I would likely end up uneducated and in prison system. The only 'out' I saw was the military. I had all intention to join the Marines; I even put in three years in the High school JROTC program for it. I had taken the preliminary tests and was awaiting tests from my doctor around this time.

When the officer came back, I was thumbing over the marine recruiter card in my wallet. He was in the middle of going over what he found: speeding ticket, my minor in possession charge - then he abruptly cut himself off, "What's that? Let me see that!" He stared at it for what felt like forever, and without looking at me, said "I spent 4 years in the Marines; Marines don't make these kinds of decisions. I'm gonna let you off with a warning -" he was briefly interrupted by the gasps of the other officers. Then he respectfully hushed them. He explained that if he ever caught me speeding or doing anything illegal in that area in the future, that it would be my worst mistake. Then they moved their cars, and we drove off into the sunset (well, it was lunch time, but I thought that created a better visual).

(Now I'm ignoring the part where an officer argued with my friend Demetrius about whether his last name was something else, and if he was actually this dude from Benton Harbor with a warrant for his arrest, but I think I just summarized all you needed to know about that.)

The point is, in those moments waiting for the officer to run my record, I decided that college was going to be the next stage of my life. I believe in signs, and felt the Marine thing had served it's purpose for me. I dated this Puerto Rican chick who talked about college, and had an aunt by marriage who went. I didn't really know anyone else going, so it seemed like this great mystery on the road ahead. I figured I'd give it a shot. So I put my application in and waited. Then one day I received a letter, informing me that I had been accepted. That day Me, Tom, and Demetrius had ourselves a little celebration. Sure it was only community college, but don't shit on the dreams of a young urban youth from a low income background. 

College graduation. Bachelor's level.

To the officer from Comstock Park, MI who let us go, I don't know your name, but thank you. You saved my life, and I'm indebted to you for letting us go after that whole ordeal. Also, there may or may not have been drugs in the vehicle that were disposed of promptly following our encounter. Regardless, I'm very much a changed man these days. I did have another legal situation after that, but I did the probation/community service and it's been so long that it's been expunged already - so cheers to that! Now I'm a quasi-respected member of society, whom only occasionally goes slightly faster than necessary.

Tom signs off on chase story.

Thanks for reading, and if you enjoyed this memory please consider giving to the GoFundMe setup for Tom Griffes. I have plenty of other stories, including the time we faced off in a brawl against 50-60 other people in the middle of the street, or the time we went incognito at a party for an elaborate revenge plot. Stay posted.

And as always, like the Facebook page and follow me on instagram @The_dejay

All jokes aside.

Tarantino's Use of 'That Ghetto' in Acceptance Speech and the American Thought Process

Quentin Tarantino on stage at the Golden Globes Picture: Getty Images)

Last night at the Golden Globes, Quentin Tarantino compared the existing talent pool of movie music composers to a slum, implying Ennio Morricone was far above 'that Ghetto.' He was saying Morricone is on another level. Maybe it was in poor taste, or people just reacted too quickly on the defensive because they didn't understand what he meant (it didn't help that he was completely hammered). 

Why are people flipping out about the use of the word Ghetto? It's a word. Globally, it doesn't carry some racially specific negative connotation. Sure, in the past, the word 'Ghetto' has been used to describe the area where impoverished Jews, Irish, Black Americans, etc resided. Tarantino wasn't using the word in the wrong way, so I'm not sure why people are losing their minds over it. He was attacking a group though - that group being the existing talent pool of movie music composers, kinda. I just think it's strange that people flip out about his use of the word ghetto, but haven't been that vocal about the 60+ drops of the N word in his most recent flick "The Hateful Eight" or that actors like Samuel L. Jackson said it was okay for Quentin to use the word? I mean, if you're gonna be upset, I'm just saying there's some better stuff at the bottom of the box so many don't want to unpackage.

A Hungarian gendarme checks a woman entering the Munkács ghetto

Sometimes it seems like people are so scared to be perceived as racist, that they don't give necessary lip service to things that on the surface seem controversial. At first, I was kinda taken back with what Tarantino said 'that ghetto,' but then I thought about it and it made sense. I said, "Okay, so Tarantino thinks Ennio Morricone is of a quality much higher than other composers. (I'm not saying Tarantino is not a racist. I don't know the guy. He might be. Perhaps there was subtext and he really hates the Irish.) However, what the media has done, is show pictures of Black actors reacting to Tarantino's use of the word Ghetto. They've exploited the reaction to create a buzz. (While I don't feel much higher than them given I'm writing about the same thing, I'd like to think I'm bringing a different perspective to the table.)

For those that don't know, I'm a huge pro wrestling fan. A similar thing just happened there at a live event, when WWE Superstar Chris Jericho called The Usos (a tag team of Samoan decent) his "back-of-the-bus boys." Many fans voiced concerns and outrage on social media, and referred to Jericho as a racist due to his comments. Why? Did the minds of fans immediately snap to the bus segregation? If the context is to draw comradery, doesn't that sound like a strange way for Jericho to draw comradery? What could he have possibly meant!?

As it turns out, traveling WWE Superstars are colloquially broken down into two types - the back of the bus boys and the up-front boys. "The back of the bus boys refers to those who sit in the back and stay awake all night to play cards, while the up-front boys are those who sit in the front and go to sleep." Several WWE superstars have gone on to defend.

#WWE #RAW OK guys.The back of the bus bros comment by @IAmJericho means the guys that drink, play cards an stay up. Up front guys go to bed.

— TheMarkHenry (@TheMarkHenry) January 12, 2016

This is the "back of bus boys"...relax people. @IAmJericho .had to let em know Uce pic.twitter.com/nA9a0YoShc

— The Usos (@WWEUsos) January 12, 2016

To those who took @IAmJericho comment as racist...YOU are what is wrong with the world. Ignorant trolls!! #RAW https://t.co/xJaPsffgXE

— Bubba Ray Dudley (@BubbaRayDudley) January 12, 2016

I was in this workshop about gender-based violence, and I remember the presenter asked us to write down influences of gender-based violence, misogyny, rape culture, etc. It was kinda this ambiguous question as it were. What do you write for something like that? How specific do you want people to be? The movie Straight Outta Compton (the feature about gangster rap group NWA) had just come out, and there was some controversy about the group perpetuating those exact things and how it was mowed over lightly in the film. Their lyrics like many other artists represented (albeit maybe unintentionally) mysoginistic views perpetuating gender-based violence and influencing rape culture. So I wrote Eazy-E, and just like everyone else, posted it on the whiteboard - as we were directed. Turns out some people in the room felt like that was an attack on Black Americans, the Hip Hop community, etc. So as a hip hop head myself, I laughed - like, I literally laughed at someone when they asked me about it a month later. Without thinking of the context, how would you know what I was saying? I could've easily said Eminem and maybe less would've reacted the same, but Straight Outta Compton was more relevant at the time. Also, as a non-black audience member, it was interpreted as some other shit - mostly by white people scared to unpackage it for what it was. Some people are so scared to talk about things that they put it away in this jar and never examine it. Eazy-E influenced gender-based violence, rape culture, and misogyny - as did Dr. Dre and Ice Cube. This is not saying they are not legends or discrediting the work they did in rap music. And as they've said on many occasions, they were representing the world they know. Still, influencers.

Robert DeNiro and Cathy Moriarty in Raging Bull

Where's the critical thought? On the surface, all examples seem controversial. We tell people to think more about what they say, without emphasizing the equally important process of what's said, how it's said, and in what context. Is that kinda lazy? Are we really in the age of PC Principal? (You PC, bro?) -- I should've said Robert Deniro from Raging Bull.)

Not all things are what you think they are, mean what you think they do. Comedians are talking about how shitty it is sometimes to work a college crowd because of how PC you need to be. Can you imagine trying to perform comedy in a world (or even accept a damn award), where not only do you have to think critically about what you say, but you're really thinking about how others could percieve what you say out of context or in a different interpretation? Oh, the online peanut gallery - that ghetto.

AJA

Venice Beach: It's Not Baywatch

Venice Beach (Photo Credit: Dejay Patson's Shitty Phone)

Art.

Friend on Balance Beam

There's something about street performers and cheap merchandise vendors that captivate both tourists and California natives alike at Venice Beach. There, you can buy some faux jewelry, knock off sunglasses, and a tye-dyed shirt with a neon picture of Marilyn Monroe rolling a blunt (sorry it's not pictured...). There are some other cool things about Venice beach, like the art! There's so much art around the beach! I don't mean just what the vendors are selling; I mean street art like murals and graffiti work (the good kind of graffiti). There are also some cool places to get your fitness on and get that six-pack going. It seems well kept and well-used. It was kinda cool seeing teenagers actively engaged in physical activity - younger kids too! I'm beyond that kind of peer pressure or guilt, but good for the little rug rats.

As much as there is to explore in Venice Beach, there are some places that are off limits. On Venice Beach, there are no signs to tell you that, which gives young lifeguards the opportunity to play out that Baywatch fantasy (mine? idk.). He didn't run in slow motion though - and for that, I'm very disappointed.

You can't go here...apparently.

We were told to come back off the rocks, which I remember from a Baywatch episode where some stupid tourist fell and got pinned against the rocks by the waves. It's a very dangerous place to be, and no one should ever go there - so we thought we'd check it out (because we're all BAMF and shit).

Not all rock surfaces are smooth, and I should've warn shoes, because I felt like I was walking over hot coals in some tribal ritual to earn my manhood. It hurt like hell. A young adolescent fighting a terrible case of acne (or nasal herpes) informed me (in a very condescending/scoffing/annoyingrichkid way) "That's why you wear shoooeeesss...they protect your feet." Had he ended with 'duh,' I would've thrown him in. I'm not sure how he got so far from his house without his ankle bracelet going off, but with parents that don't love him, I'm sure his path in the world will end back at these rocks anyway (I call that joke "Suicide is okay if you're a shitty person.")

All jokes aside,

Dejay Patson

Welcome to Los Angeles

I've been wanting to make a trip to Los Angeles my whole life - well, at least since I was a child. At 2 years old, I probably wasn't thinking, "I should travel to other cities to experience diverse domestic cultures within the USA."

I flew in on Virgin America. Which, if you haven't flown Virgin, you have to try it just for the sake of how modern and edgy they are. I did a whole lot of "ooooh" and "ahhhh," but in hindsight, it was all kinda gimmicky. The instructions came in a video via musical ensemble from classical and electronic to pop and hip hop. I recorded some of it, but I don't wanna get hit with some copyright BS to appease my 2 readers (Sorry, Dad...). 

As soon as the plane touched down, I felt home (yes, in that very cheesy way). Los Angeles has everything I would ever need to do. Every opportunity is there creatively, comedically, academically, etc. Looking at jobs in the area, there's everything. To put that in perspective, if you want a job in Grand Rapids, MI, there are about 4 main employers that will pop up, and then a bunch of BS "marketing" companies. I love Grand Rapids, but for what I'm trying to do, work is sparse. It also lacks diversity. Los Angeles has so much diversity. I had never seen a homeless Asian man until LA. I was beginning to think they were immune to bankruptcy (not really, but wouldn't that be nice?). The areas of the city were diverse in culture too. Santa Monica and Venice Beach are neighbors, but they have different vibes. Hollywood, East LA, Downtown - they all have different vibes. So a change of scenery and vibes is easy to find. I came up with a list of four things I now know about LA for certain that I didn't necessarily comprehend well before the trip. I present to you, the list:

1.) Los Angeles is massive. 
People told me that, but I never really understood it. I consider Chicago a big city. Chicago is about 234 square miles. Los Angeles is more than double the size of Chicago, at 503 square miles. If you're on one side of LA and someone says, "Hey, I'm in LA too! We should meet up." There's a chance that they could be an hour away, and traffic doesn't help. Which leads me to #2.

2.) Traffic is as bad as people say it is.
One friend explained it as, "If you need to go anywhere between 4pm and 8pm, forget about it." And the mornings were a similar 4 hour block. And lunch time is shit. Basically, it's all shit. Not to mention California is home to one of the oldest highways in the nation's history. Why does this matter? Many highway exits are made for cars that top out at 40Mph. There is not always a long strip of road where you can safely slowdown from 75 (more realistically 90) Mph. You can blink and mix your exit, essentially. So when people have to take those exits up ahead of you, it becomes a huge inconvenience to everyone behind them. LA's public transit system exists, but is nothing stellar. It's a bus line. (And the drivers don't like to be bothered with stupid questions either, like "Is that blood?")

3.) Pollution is worse than people say it is.
I never knew what smog was until I got to LA. I heard the word, but couldn't distinguish between heavy fog and smog. I've been to major cities and saw a bit of dirty haze, but what I witnessed in LA was could only be defined by that ugly four letter word: SMOG. The streets are as dirty as most other big cities, with the addition of shopping carts no where near the store they came from. Because the city is so stretched out, there is a lot of trash just along the streets that goes on for miles. In West LA, parking was a bit of a pain because you had to move for street sweepers. I don't know that street sweepers exist in other parts of LA. If so, the population is out of control and the sweepers can't keep up with the Jack In A Box wrappers.

4.) No one warns you about the homelessness.
No one prepares you, nor could they! Homelessness in most other parts of the country is defined by people that are without homes. Homelessness in LA is the reason people walk along the edge of the sidewalk in fear of being stabbed. Mental illness and addiction was prevalent. With the glaring looks of one chattering teeth hobo here and the scream at the sky but laugh maniacally at the ground hobo there, LA proved itself to be a mecca for anyone with a tent and horrible decisions for tattoo placement (Sorry forehead tattoo hobo. Nothing personal.).

Hey! Look! It's Chris Pratt! Everybody lose your minds!

There was also something kinda liberating about having no previous ties to the city. There's that feeling in the neighborhood you grow up in like, "There's that fire hydrant we used to play around as a kid" or "There's where that wooden bridge used to be, before we accidentally burned it down." (that's a true story, but now is not the time for tangents.) The point is, I didn't have those anchors and I felt completely free of all obligations. I could just do stuff. I was there for over a month and did everything from acting and comedy to attending underground social functions and exploring all over the city. I also stumbled upon a few movie shoots during my jogs, and the premiere for Jurassic World - I thought it sucked (The movie, I mean. Premiere was cool.).

I've been to 46 of the 50 states (as in been there for a couple days at least), and Los Angeles is the greatest city I've ever been to overall (Do I really need to say in my opinion for people to know that?). I'll share more about specific adventures in later posts for the sake of brevity. I can't believe you read this whole thing...thanks?

All jokes aside,

Dejay Patson

#BreakfastSelfie

5 Things Beginning Background Actors Should Know For A Film Role

I've only been in a handful of films ever - one was a never finished feature-length slasher, and two of the others were just general background roles. I'd really love to make a transition to more acting at some point. I'd never stop doing comedy though. I just think it'd be great to work in multiple mediums.

On Monday, I was a FEATURED (WHOA!!) BG, which is a step up from your average BG (Background) whom gets less camera time and generally no actors talk to you. I'm front and center though (...more back and to the left actually) and get to interact with some up-and-coming names. It was a great experience. It's also my first film credit as Dejay Patson, AND (even better) my first acting gig in Los Angeles! (Took me three weeks to pop that cherry. Time to #WhoreOut, but first...)

I figured I'd just share some things I've learned in my short experience, for anyone interested in getting into film. Some of this may seem common sense, but things get forgotten, and a lot of people learn by trial and error if they didn't go to film school. (no film school here, but I did take acting and directing classes.) So here are..

FIVE things beginning (background) actors should know for a film role:

1) Know your mark - where do you go on scene? Maybe it's marked with neon tape, maybe it's marked with a Styrofoam cup - budgets are cool. -- Just walking wherever you feel will get you the most camera time is a good way to get punched in your reproductive organs, or annoyed faces from cast and crew alike at the very least.

2) Know when to be at your mark - what line do you land on? Land there at that time, always (for continuity). The director won't always tell you when to land, but instead might rely on it to happen organically and later ask YOU when you land. If you don't know (like when I was first asked), people have to look back at previous shots and figure it out -- it's just faster and less of a headache for you to know when you land.

3) Pay attention to your mark - sometimes your mark gets moved, and if no one tells you, it could ruin the shot. Which, arguably is not your fault, but no one wants to be the reason a shot was ruined.

4) Play it the same way (aka Know your mark 2) - if you scratch your nose when the actor says, "And THIS guy's a piece of shit!" You need to do that EVERYTIME that line is said in that moment of the scene from EVERY angle that it's shot.

5) Don't be a shining star - The bigger picture is about the project, and you are a cog in the machine. Even starring actors understand that they need the cast and crew to make the whole project work. Everyone works hard to make films happen, and egos can be toxic on a film set. -- That said, maybe you're new and want to be seen or heard more than you are. You could take a chance and it could be your big break, but it probably won't be. Realistically, Spielberg isn't going to walk from behind a curtain starting a slow clap because you scratched your nose for continuity. Do what the director wants from you - it's their vision. You're a pawn. It's okay to be a pawn.

That's it! Well, there's more. There's a lot more. There's also a lot of etiquette stuff, which seems kinda strange, but it's there.

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

#FilmSetSelfie

The 8th Place and Winning Rant

I was recently recognized for this leadership thing - and well, there was a speaker their talking about leadership and what it takes to be a good leader. Looking down at my phone, I could see a text that read, "Who the f**k is this guy?" and I shared those sentiments. For at least fifteen minutes, this guy talked around what it took to be a leader, only to end on, "I'm not really sure what makes a leader." The silence of the crowd was deafening, particularly when he was then awarded for his leadership after the speech. I'm sure there are many other times in his life where he had shown leadership, otherwise he wouldn't have been asked to speak, but it wasn't exhibited on this day. Good guy. Bad speech. I think someone should've called an audible on that decision. This post is not about that guy, but that instance serves as a catalyst for this rant.

Why, the f**k, do we have 8th place winners in life? I don't think everyone deserves to walk away with a trophy. That little fat kid that couldn't make the final stretch in track and field SHOULD feel bad for losing. Failing is a part of success. People become better from failing. That might be the thing that pushes him to get healthy and become motivation for others. I'm not saying we roast the little piggy on twitter and give him a complex - I just think we need to feel some type of way about underperforming and want to be a better version of ourselves. But for the love of all things sugar coated, don't give that boy a damn trophy for last place!!

We cultivate laziness telling everyone they're doing a good job when they're just doing the minimum work and pretending it's maximum effort. Don't let Fatty McFats be complacent. Where's that going to lead him in the future? A news reel of him being airlifted out of his mom's attic at 35 maybe. 

Now I haven't done any research on this. I just know some very unproductive and stupid people that feel entitled to the world. And every day I think of punch them in the throat. We're not even around eachother like that. It just comes across my mind when I'm eating oatmeal like "If I could just press a button..." and let's stop there, because I don't want to spend the rest of this post defending that kind of capital punishment. But they're having kids, people! Can't we hve some kind of test to see if they're going to make decent fucking parents? So we don't have to read about another toddler being chucked over a bridge? The test wouldn't even have to be that difficult - just basic questions that they might ask in an interview - "Can you tell us of a time w
hen you had to overcome an obstacle, and how you dealt with that?" Just to give us some insight on how they'll deal with screaming little versions of theirselves. Because honestly, I can't deal with annoying big versions of themselves. Is a purge such a bad idea? Think about it.

moronic and unproductive members of society though. I don't mind my taxes going to people that need welfare for some hardships or special circumstance, but not for a some fat lazy kid to get an Xbox or your Netflix account. Let him work two summers, and bike there. Back and forth. Get him on a regimen. Buy him a hamster and make him take care of it, so he learns some compassion and the work that goes into maintaining...anything. And I hope it bites him. Because life, f**king, bites you. If he chucks the hamster back into the cage, maybe it's time for a trip to the bridge. We have enough sociopaths and psychos in this world without fat Hitler.

Ah, don't make that face. If you're kid is the fat kid, you better give him some more fruits and veggies to offset those early signs of diabetes. That whole 'Eat Pasta, Run Fasta' was just some bullshit propaganda to get you buying Spaghetti-O's.

I was a fat kid too. Yeahhh, I was chunky. I kinda blame my mom though. We didn't have a lot of money so whenever she bought me clothes, it was stuff she said I'd have to grow into. "This shirt's too big."..."You'll grow into it." Unconsciously, I guess I didn't want to let her down. I almost died once, because she used the same logic buying a life jacket. My head slipped right through and I swallowed a bunch of pool water. My cousin had to dive in after me. It wasn't a well thought out plan. No trophy for mom on that one.

Look, I'm guilty too, but I sure as hell don't expect a pat on the back for my laziness. When I slip up, I'm hard on myself. Hell, when I do a good job at something, I still critique myself. How can you put the best product out if you don't assess your efforts?

I've heard people say that if you work hard, you'll be successful. I full-heartedly agree with that. I come from a mostly blue collar family, so I've seen them work hard. I've seen it, a lot - just never learned it. At least not at the level I've seen some people perform - never really gained that work ethic. I have friends that have it. They wake up everyday at 6am and go to the gym, BEFORE WORK. You know what I do before work? Get dressed. You're lucky I have pants. I just don't have that same concept of time. Those people are very efficient with their time. It's amazing to watch. They have planners, and sticky notes, and routine. God aweful routine - it kills my soul.

I've dated girls and find myself in awe of their whole morning routine - it just amazes me. The time spent on makeup and getting ready, it's just astonishing. I would never wear makeup if I was a female. I'm not trying to find a baby daddy - who gives a shit? I'm just not that efficient. I recognize this. I'm trying to work on it - I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

The other thing is that there's always someone better too. No matter how hard you work, someone else can do a better job at whatever it is. Your job, your spouse, your favorite recreational activity can all be done better by someone in the world other than you. There are smarter people. There are people with nicer cars. There are more attractive people. You okay with that? I am. I get it. Doesn't bother me at all. I'm not complacent though, I just don't compete with others and I accept things for what they are.

You ever see someone with a car nicer than your own? Do you get jealous? Maybe it's the newer model of the same car you have and there weren't many changes, but still...just that fact that it's newer gets to you. There will always be a nicer car than yours. I don't care much about my material possessions, but I figured this concept was pretty common. Personally, I find it kinda liberating...because it doesn't matter what level you're at, your status, or what material possessions you have. The only thing that really matters is that you keep trying to do or be better.

I do compete with myself though. I try to learn something new every day. Also, to complement that, about 12 times a day, I tell myself some variation of "You're f**king stupid." That's my regimen. It's not out of nowhere - I mean it's for saying or doing something stupid. And 12 times is actually kinda conservative. I'm not saying it just because I chose the wrong socks, but I'd own up to it if I did. That's more an echo of my mother's words through my adolescence.

A lot of parents think their kid is the best. You ever talk to people about their kids? "You see that drawing? My kid is a genius!" He's 2, and I'm pretty sure that's smeared crap at your wall. Do we really know that early if he's a genius? Everyone says it. What are you comparing to? Other babies? Let's get ten of them in a room with one giant tub of Lego blocks, judge them on a point system. If Jimmy builds a rocket, that's a ten pointer, but he's spent the last 20 minutes making a wall of just the blue blocks. Really, what are we comparing their genius to? My dog sometimes wipes her ass on the carpet, but I don't run around "see the mural my dog did? practically an interior decorator!" If you're kid sucks, own up to it. You're not doing them any favors, and you're gonna perpetuate this culture of half-ass-ery further. I'm sick of people f**king up my fast food orders. I got one item, and you reccomended it - how do you eff that up? No trophy.

I hope somebody reads this and comments: "Who the f**k is this guy?" That to me would be better than any trophy in the world. ;)

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson

Story-time with Uncle Phil: The Damnation of Atheism

Phil Robertson (Credit: AP/A&E/Zach Dilgard)

This is the shit that Antoine Dodson warned us about people!! Evil coming into our homes and snatching up our kids and wives!! Although, written in ancient text, I'm sure it would've sounded way more prophetic than the news clip gone viral. He's got a 'credible' name echoing some similar concerns though - albeit more of focus seems to be about a hypothetical world of Atheism as he envisions it. At the very least, it's just awkward story time with Uncle Phil. I've linked the audio clip below:


Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson on a Hypothetical World of Atheism

In summary, Phil Robertson talks about people doing evil things without the repercussions of God's wrath. He paints the world as a place full of people that would not possibly do good things without the idea of going to hell as a punishment. There are a few problems with this vote of logic, but I just want to throw out a disclaimer: I am NOT an Atheist. I do not watch Duck Dynasty.

I used to have this aunt that took me to church all the time as a kid. I'd sit with the other kids in this  blueish-green room that wreaked of old clothes and mothballs. Some white guy with a dry ass comb-over would eventually come in with his bible in hand and share stories from the ol' book. We just sat and listened, probably picked our nose. A greater testament (than the new testament) to that particular church were the people in it - they just weren't that good, or that nice. My aunt was fat, lazy, racist, and just overall mean. Yet, she would give up about 60% of her earnings to the church in tithe, just to make up for being such a shitty person. She hid behind the veil of religion to justify her shitty beliefs, but she wasn't alone. A lot of people do that, and find ways to push their beliefs on other through fear tactics. I believe we call that terrorism? Can we call Phil Robertson a terrorist yet?

Here's my thing: If a world without God breeds violence and apathy (as Robertson claims), why do so many people commit violent acts in the name of their Gods? Have you read the bible? There is some crazy stuff in there! There are also some valuable lessons. You know what else has valuable lessons? Past seasons of MTV's The Real World (...or more currently, 16 & Pregnant - bad idea girls.) Should we not follow those lessons because the medium is different? It's all up for interpretation, just like many parts of religious texts. Still, violence happens! And people commit violent acts in the name of their religion regularly, and for as long as there's been written history! I know what some people are thinking: "The violent people of a particular religion are the extremist/militant ones. They don't represent the bigger picture of the religion." I'd have to agreed with you. Then I think about extremists in other major religions, that just meditate forever - a lot less violent, but still EXTREME!!!

And, just to entertain the thought, (dare I say play 'Devil's advocate') all of the evil stuff Robertson mentions IS happening now, in this day and age, with religion. There are people that do evil things! Sometimes even in the church (behind closed doors with children). How do we know those things are evil without morality and compassion? They both come from religion, right? Actually, a study done at University of California, Berkeley found that 'less religious' people are more motivated by compassion than the highly religious.

Here's how Berkeley sums up the study in its press release:

"The results challenge a widespread assumption that acts of generosity and charity are largely driven by feelings of empathy and compassion, researchers said. In the study, the link between compassion and generosity was found to be stronger for those who identified as being non-religious or less religious.

"'Overall, we find that for less religious people, the strength of their emotional connection to another person is critical to whether they will help that person or not,' said UC Berkeley social psychologist Robb Willer, a co-author of the study. 'The more religious, on the other hand, may ground their generosity less in emotion, and more in other factors such as doctrine, a communal identity, or reputational concerns.'"

While Phil Robertson's example is extreme, let's imagine the other end of the spectrum: a world full of Phil Robertsons. Can you imagine all the Phil Robertsons? Gillete would go under! Old Spice would take a heavy blow! We'd all get cool party whistles though - and what party doesn't want ducks?

All jokes aside,

DeJay Patson